Ambivalence

I find myself simply hurting tonight. There doesn't seem to be a good reason for it, and I don't know how to describe exactly why it comes to the point of 'hurt' - but its the best way to put it. This week was harder to get through, and Im not clinging to my God like I should. Its like Im tentatively holding on to His arm, leaning away a little when I should just be crying to Him with every little thing that is hard, or challenging, or angering, or painful. I just wanted to come home tonight and cry, to relieve the pressure in my head and my heart, to release the unfamiliar emotions that seem to have sprung up on their own, out of nowhere. I shouldn't call them unfamiliar. I know them all too well, I had just thought they were gone away for awhile.
I know I'm not alone - I fully trust that my God is always here. But in the garden He saw that it was not good for man to be alone, without a human companion - it's not for a woman either. On the more rational side of who I am, I am really happy to be single and young and moving forward on the road God makes in front of me. I feel so protected when I see my girls who have hurting hearts, many of them bittered with anger and disappointment. I am free of regrets where they aren't, and I can focus on becoming a person with the kind of character that deserves the kind of man I hope for, when that day comes. I still have to constantly pull him - the man I don't even know yet - off the idol stand, and look back up toward my God, even though I am happy to be without a guy. So quickly I can go from contentment, to painful longing and impatience. Sometimes it seems like they even coexist at the same time within my mind. I can usually suppress the feelings of 'incompleteness' when that happens, but sometimes it just comes to the surface again. Like tonight. So I don't really know what more to do than pray.

Youth group was tonight. Its strange how everything feels so different, like somehow I just don't fit again. I felt that way for awhile, but last year was a little more comfortable. But summer is over and its not the same. Im so tired, its hard trying to figure out how I can better fit with the people I know God has put in my life right now. I'm so tired of trying to hold together fraying relationships, and working on things that seem just so out of place. Im eager for strong friends, for people who are willing to work at it and maybe go through a little bit of pain to make it genuine. I'm thankful for the handful of those that I do have, but they are so far away. I miss real people. Loving people. I want to be surrounded, I feel like Ive had to stand alone for along time. Ahh, I write so much because as I do, God talks to me by making me hear myself. I'm not supposed to be the one holding together fraying relationships, He is. I can't worry about feeling like I don't belong where I am, because He has put me there. He can see my vulnerability, my loneliness. He won't leave me on my own, drained of strength and desire to keep going.