Contemplating things as I drove down to Santa Barbara with my mom this afternoon. Realizing the woman wearing a tight, lacy red top and filling her gas tank was made just like I was, with the hands of God, and He loves her. The man sitting hunched over on a bench in front of the Biltmore, smoking a cigarette and staring out at the ocean. The girl walking down the sidewalk in knee high white laced Converse, with black cropped hair and a red scarf. The young guy running along Cold Springs Road in athletic shorts, a band around his wrist and an iPod in his ears. The quiet music student, wearing black earrings and a faint smile.
* * * *
After La Super Rica (amazing as always), Laurel and I had strawberry mochi and went back to her dorm, where mom painted our toes as we watched a half-hour of Emma. Later mom and I walked down the beach, and took a picture of the cypress tree that she and Dad were photographed under the day they got married. The sun setting was beautiful. Faint pink dusted the fog which obscured the islands, reflecting in the wet sand when the waves pulled away from the shore. The trees were my favorite.
* * * *
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
From broken things, comes life.
There is such beauty in brokenness. Such renewal, like the sweetness that follows tears. The crushed and humbled heart that exposes the deepest part of the wound; ripping open the hurt again so that the true damage can be removed and then healed completely. Mistakes we have chosen to learn from are like autumn leaves, once young and verdant, that have fallen from the grace of the branches above, and piling around the base of the tree they die and decay. But from them, life is restored to the tree, new buds grow and blossom, and the branches grow ever taller.
And so even though my heart was stained and broken, life hadn't left. I wasn't forsaken, and beauty again took root.
And so even though my heart was stained and broken, life hadn't left. I wasn't forsaken, and beauty again took root.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sand
How I love it. Brandi and I went to the beach on Friday, and I remembered how breathtaking the ocean is. We brought our boards and the water felt good, but my favorite part was just sitting on the swings with the sun on my shoulders, eating cinnamon rolls and staring up at the clouds while listening to the surf, and Brandi laughing at herself.
...
...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Ambivalence
I find myself simply hurting tonight. There doesn't seem to be a good reason for it, and I don't know how to describe exactly why it comes to the point of 'hurt' - but its the best way to put it. This week was harder to get through, and Im not clinging to my God like I should. Its like Im tentatively holding on to His arm, leaning away a little when I should just be crying to Him with every little thing that is hard, or challenging, or angering, or painful. I just wanted to come home tonight and cry, to relieve the pressure in my head and my heart, to release the unfamiliar emotions that seem to have sprung up on their own, out of nowhere. I shouldn't call them unfamiliar. I know them all too well, I had just thought they were gone away for awhile.
I know I'm not alone - I fully trust that my God is always here. But in the garden He saw that it was not good for man to be alone, without a human companion - it's not for a woman either. On the more rational side of who I am, I am really happy to be single and young and moving forward on the road God makes in front of me. I feel so protected when I see my girls who have hurting hearts, many of them bittered with anger and disappointment. I am free of regrets where they aren't, and I can focus on becoming a person with the kind of character that deserves the kind of man I hope for, when that day comes. I still have to constantly pull him - the man I don't even know yet - off the idol stand, and look back up toward my God, even though I am happy to be without a guy. So quickly I can go from contentment, to painful longing and impatience. Sometimes it seems like they even coexist at the same time within my mind. I can usually suppress the feelings of 'incompleteness' when that happens, but sometimes it just comes to the surface again. Like tonight. So I don't really know what more to do than pray.
Youth group was tonight. Its strange how everything feels so different, like somehow I just don't fit again. I felt that way for awhile, but last year was a little more comfortable. But summer is over and its not the same. Im so tired, its hard trying to figure out how I can better fit with the people I know God has put in my life right now. I'm so tired of trying to hold together fraying relationships, and working on things that seem just so out of place. Im eager for strong friends, for people who are willing to work at it and maybe go through a little bit of pain to make it genuine. I'm thankful for the handful of those that I do have, but they are so far away. I miss real people. Loving people. I want to be surrounded, I feel like Ive had to stand alone for along time. Ahh, I write so much because as I do, God talks to me by making me hear myself. I'm not supposed to be the one holding together fraying relationships, He is. I can't worry about feeling like I don't belong where I am, because He has put me there. He can see my vulnerability, my loneliness. He won't leave me on my own, drained of strength and desire to keep going.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Defintion of me?
I slept on Auntie Rae's bed last night with a soft, heavy red blanket, borrowing a pair of her sweats since I forgot to bring mine. At 2 o'clock my eyes opened, suddenly awake, even though Bryn hadn't made a sound. She was awake, so I got up and held her for about fifteen minutes to make sure she was really out before I put her back in her crib. When she's falling asleep she likes to play with your hair, so when her thumb fell out of her mouth and her fingers stopped twirling my ponytail I laid her down. She woke again at 6, and it didn't seem any different from 2; it was still really dark and looking out the windows, the whole valley was filled with fog. Bryn laid down with me and slept on my chest for another half hour, sucking her thumb with one arm around my neck. She's such a gorgeous little baby with her red hair, dark brown eyes and rosy cheeks. I don't know what made me start thinking about it, but I realized that I have been in an unconscious way, defining myself by where I go to school for the next four years. Its easy to feel 'undefined' as a someone who does school at home, but I have always known that its the life of Christ in me that should define who I am. I know that, but I think my heart, beneath the surface of that knowledge, was functioning by other standards.
I am happy being who I am. I'm in highschool, I'm not a highschooler. I am seventeen, I'm not a 'teenager'. I am who God created me to be, and I'm living the days set in front of me as that person. I know it sounds cliché but I don't say it because I am trying to convince myself that it's true - it is, and I love it that way.
It's a Lenny Kravitz afternoon. I love the overcast sky, and the feeling of being at home, warm and comfortable. I know, doesn't sound like Lenny Kravitz but he's just fitting the mood for me right now.
Oh yes, and I haven't mentioned this yet which is funny because its rather monumental. A new creature had been added to the household: an as-of-now unnamed chinchilla.
Maddie is calling him Pueb, short for Pueblo, because he's Chilean. We think his name should be Pueblo Fernando Ramirez Ricardo Escalante Antigua Sanchez. He smells like a vanilla-scented sock drawer freshener and makes rasping noises that sound like a jacket zipper being unzipped really fast.
I am happy being who I am. I'm in highschool, I'm not a highschooler. I am seventeen, I'm not a 'teenager'. I am who God created me to be, and I'm living the days set in front of me as that person. I know it sounds cliché but I don't say it because I am trying to convince myself that it's true - it is, and I love it that way.
It's a Lenny Kravitz afternoon. I love the overcast sky, and the feeling of being at home, warm and comfortable. I know, doesn't sound like Lenny Kravitz but he's just fitting the mood for me right now.
Oh yes, and I haven't mentioned this yet which is funny because its rather monumental. A new creature had been added to the household: an as-of-now unnamed chinchilla.
Maddie is calling him Pueb, short for Pueblo, because he's Chilean. We think his name should be Pueblo Fernando Ramirez Ricardo Escalante Antigua Sanchez. He smells like a vanilla-scented sock drawer freshener and makes rasping noises that sound like a jacket zipper being unzipped really fast.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Breakfast Cookies
Today is Jeffrey's 11th birthday, and because of some business my Dad has to do, we aren't having a party or big celebration until the weekend. But he wanted to have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, and so I got up this morning to clean the kitchen and start the pancakes. Now last week while mom was gone, I made the exact same pancakes nearly the exact same way, and they were great - but there were more people this morning, so I had to triple the recipe. But as I poured the batter onto the griddle, the pancakes puffed up, browned to the point of being burned within 10 seconds, and yet were no where near being cooked in the middle. It was distressing; I added milk to thin them out so that they would cook more evenly, but then they took forever to brown and weren't even. I put the salvagable 'pancakes' on a platter in what I thought was just a 'warm' oven to keep them hot, but the oven was at 350 degress and so by the time we took them out they were even browner. It was awful, and completely frustrating because I had done nothing different from the last week. One could certainly argue with validity that because converting fractions was involved in the initial process, I measured something (baking powder maybe?) incorrectly thus causing the disastrous batch. But I was certain that I had done it the same way as last Thursday...
Happily they still tasted pretty good and Jeff was very nice by simply viewing them as 'breakfast cookies' instead of chocolate chip pancakes.
And now I shall proceed with a play by play of my day which you are more than welcome to skip over. I left at 11:30 for the Adamski's, which is where I am now, and the kids are asleep. It was a pretty good day with them, I only had Bryn for a few hours, and while she ate lunch and I read books to her, I found the DVD's and put on Lady and the Tramp. I love those movies that remind you of when you were littler, just wanting to play with your toys and eat food that tastes good. You have no concept or concern for nutrition, because you are always energized, you always feel strong and capable of climbing the top of the play ground or skipping two rungs on the monkey bars, you are never cold and so you don't understand why your mother would insist on you wearing a bulky sweater that just makes it harder for your to run around and play.
Shane and Eve got home a little later, and Eve and Bryn both went down for a nap pretty easily at 2. Auntie Rae came by for a minute to pick up her dress for the event tonight, but snuck out when we heard Bryn crying, awake, upstairs. I only had to chase that little girl around a bit to keep her out of drawers and off of desks (she was attempting to get into a bookshelf I think) while Shane and Eve played mostly on their own. Before dinner we went outside after Bryn had been insisting on seeing the 'deer' which I thought she was imagining but were actually in the drive way, and as soon as Eve saw them she ran out and shooed them away in her trilly, high little voice. Shane was hiding in the grass while I pushed the girls on their swings, and he kept calling me over to 'sneak up on and scare him.' He was very proud of himself too for being able to balance ontop of a rock while I counted to a hundred. I think they finally got tired or chilly, and so we went inside so I could heat up dinner while they watched Mary Poppins. Bryn however was back at all the kitchen drawers, the recycling bins in the pantry, the cleaning supplies in the laundry room. Aunt Rachel had said I could just put her in the play pen to keep her out of them while working on dinner, but she very decidedly protested that and so I held her and did it one handed. Auntie Rae had already laid everything out though, so it wasn't too bad. ( = Once they had eaten they took baths, put on pajamas, and after Shane unsuccessfully tried convincing me that he needed to play one more game, they brushed their teeth. I got Bryn to sleep in about ten minutes, and once she was tucked in I went back downstairs to Shane's room where he and Eve wanted to share a bed - which was funny, because if either of them even so much as moved a pillow that got in the other's way, they were not happy about it. They usually like me to make up a story and put them in it, which I was wary of because I couldn't really come up with anything that would interest Shane. Fortunately they wanted me to read them some books, but once we were done, they wanted me to stay with them until they were asleep.
"Maybe you could sleep on the floor next to us too," Shane suggested a few times. I laid down next to Evie, who was telling me all about one of her princess outfits and something else I didn't quite understand, and tried to encourage them to fall asleep. Every once and awhile I would look over at Shane who had buried himself under a pile of pillows but didn't seem too comfortable there, and once Evie noticed. She touched my eyelids and said in her little voice,
"Go to sleep, Jordan." So I pretended to be asleep, and after about an hour they were still enough that I was able to sneak out.
Bryn was still asleep so I was able to stack all the books, put away the toys, get the bathtub drained with the washcloths rung out, sweep the floor, straighten the pillows and blankets on the couch, start the dishwasher, and I attempted to clean Bryn's highchair - it was too much for damp paper towels and a sponge though. I finished that a little awhile ago, so I just went downstairs and heated up some Chinese food, and resisting the temptation that the ice cream and peanut butter cups presented, I actually made some hot chocolate. I worked on a new idea for a short story that maybe I will illustrate when I learn to watercolor better, and then came up here to record the day.
I need to get some sleep before Bryn wakes up.
....
Happily they still tasted pretty good and Jeff was very nice by simply viewing them as 'breakfast cookies' instead of chocolate chip pancakes.
And now I shall proceed with a play by play of my day which you are more than welcome to skip over. I left at 11:30 for the Adamski's, which is where I am now, and the kids are asleep. It was a pretty good day with them, I only had Bryn for a few hours, and while she ate lunch and I read books to her, I found the DVD's and put on Lady and the Tramp. I love those movies that remind you of when you were littler, just wanting to play with your toys and eat food that tastes good. You have no concept or concern for nutrition, because you are always energized, you always feel strong and capable of climbing the top of the play ground or skipping two rungs on the monkey bars, you are never cold and so you don't understand why your mother would insist on you wearing a bulky sweater that just makes it harder for your to run around and play.
Shane and Eve got home a little later, and Eve and Bryn both went down for a nap pretty easily at 2. Auntie Rae came by for a minute to pick up her dress for the event tonight, but snuck out when we heard Bryn crying, awake, upstairs. I only had to chase that little girl around a bit to keep her out of drawers and off of desks (she was attempting to get into a bookshelf I think) while Shane and Eve played mostly on their own. Before dinner we went outside after Bryn had been insisting on seeing the 'deer' which I thought she was imagining but were actually in the drive way, and as soon as Eve saw them she ran out and shooed them away in her trilly, high little voice. Shane was hiding in the grass while I pushed the girls on their swings, and he kept calling me over to 'sneak up on and scare him.' He was very proud of himself too for being able to balance ontop of a rock while I counted to a hundred. I think they finally got tired or chilly, and so we went inside so I could heat up dinner while they watched Mary Poppins. Bryn however was back at all the kitchen drawers, the recycling bins in the pantry, the cleaning supplies in the laundry room. Aunt Rachel had said I could just put her in the play pen to keep her out of them while working on dinner, but she very decidedly protested that and so I held her and did it one handed. Auntie Rae had already laid everything out though, so it wasn't too bad. ( = Once they had eaten they took baths, put on pajamas, and after Shane unsuccessfully tried convincing me that he needed to play one more game, they brushed their teeth. I got Bryn to sleep in about ten minutes, and once she was tucked in I went back downstairs to Shane's room where he and Eve wanted to share a bed - which was funny, because if either of them even so much as moved a pillow that got in the other's way, they were not happy about it. They usually like me to make up a story and put them in it, which I was wary of because I couldn't really come up with anything that would interest Shane. Fortunately they wanted me to read them some books, but once we were done, they wanted me to stay with them until they were asleep.
"Maybe you could sleep on the floor next to us too," Shane suggested a few times. I laid down next to Evie, who was telling me all about one of her princess outfits and something else I didn't quite understand, and tried to encourage them to fall asleep. Every once and awhile I would look over at Shane who had buried himself under a pile of pillows but didn't seem too comfortable there, and once Evie noticed. She touched my eyelids and said in her little voice,
"Go to sleep, Jordan." So I pretended to be asleep, and after about an hour they were still enough that I was able to sneak out.
Bryn was still asleep so I was able to stack all the books, put away the toys, get the bathtub drained with the washcloths rung out, sweep the floor, straighten the pillows and blankets on the couch, start the dishwasher, and I attempted to clean Bryn's highchair - it was too much for damp paper towels and a sponge though. I finished that a little awhile ago, so I just went downstairs and heated up some Chinese food, and resisting the temptation that the ice cream and peanut butter cups presented, I actually made some hot chocolate. I worked on a new idea for a short story that maybe I will illustrate when I learn to watercolor better, and then came up here to record the day.
I need to get some sleep before Bryn wakes up.
....
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Emily Dickinson
SATISFIEDOne blessing had I, than the rest
So larger to my eyes
That I stopped gauging, satisfied,
For this enchanted size.
It was the limit of my dream,
The focus of my prayer...
I must stop doubting the Lords goodness to me. I will pursue what He has placed before me without reserve, abandoning the worries over disappointed hopes. I know what I want, and I know what order the things on my list are in. Its straight I think. So I will stop doubting and go after it. Now its the patience I need - the patience that will keep me from walking all over right now by only looking at what I think will eventually come. Eager anticipation, and satisfied contentment hand-in-hand.
. . . . . . .
The past, selectively, erased.
I understand and completely agree with all reasoning against the deleting of past posts. And yet, there are times when you must start fresh. After four years, I have renovated my blog and deleted all posts. While I know that those expressions of who I was during those years aren't necessarily bad, there is somehow a great satisfaction in washing away certain evidences of immaturity and awkwardness. Where else can I do that in life?
Amanda and I squabbled about it. I love fighting with Amanda.
Jordan: im gonna like delete all those posts hahaha
Amandolin: noooOOoo you cant!
Jordan: why, they are hideous
Amandolin: but that was what you wrote and felt then!!! and they have some good memories!
just post new blogs
and eventually the old ones wont be on the first page
Jordan: ew yeah but i hate them
thats it. theyre all getting deleted
Amandolin: noOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONnnNNNNNNNNNNNo
Jordan: YESSYESYYESYEYSYEYSSSSS
Amandolin: :-(
Jordan: haha three down
Amandolin: psh!!!!! i cant believe you!
Jordan: ha HA better believe me
Amandolin: you are so
so
so
LAME!
Jordan: I know i know. you brat, dont call me lame
Amandolin: i already did!
Jordan: im just erasing unwanted things from my past.
Amandolin: .......fine
Jordan: hahah i WIN!
Amandolin: hahaha i have already read most of your post all over again anyways
just now so there!!!!
Jordan: blphhhhhh (that was me sticking my tongue out at you)
Amandolin: nuuuhhhhuuuuhhnnn - that was me sticking mine out at YOU
Jordan: well i said it first and now you are just copy catting me.
Amandolin: fine this is me making a scrunchy face at you ;X
Jordan: And I will turn away with my arms crossed and refuse to look at you.
Amandolin: then i will walk away into the distance and when you turn around and miss me so much that you want to see my scrunchy face ill be gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jordan: Well....you just wish you could keep slandering me, but you know what Im gonna stand up for myself and pull your hair! really hard too!
Amandolin: how can you if i am gone in the distance!!!!!??????
Jordan: Because thats the whole point of leaving! To slander silently!
Amandolin: hahaha. that was lame
Jordan: almost down to the last post!
Amandolin: jordan!!! man, you better post a new one after this
Jordan: i will i will, ill post our entire IM conversation. hahahahahaha
Amandolin: nooo
Jordan: just the parts where we slander eachother
Amandolin: ok
And that was a minor fuss between the two of us.
Amanda and I squabbled about it. I love fighting with Amanda.
Jordan: im gonna like delete all those posts hahaha
Amandolin: noooOOoo you cant!
Jordan: why, they are hideous
Amandolin: but that was what you wrote and felt then!!! and they have some good memories!
just post new blogs
and eventually the old ones wont be on the first page
Jordan: ew yeah but i hate them
thats it. theyre all getting deleted
Amandolin: noOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONnnNNNNNNNNNNNo
Jordan: YESSYESYYESYEYSYEYSSSSS
Amandolin: :-(
Jordan: haha three down
Amandolin: psh!!!!! i cant believe you!
Jordan: ha HA better believe me
Amandolin: you are so
so
so
LAME!
Jordan: I know i know. you brat, dont call me lame
Amandolin: i already did!
Jordan: im just erasing unwanted things from my past.
Amandolin: .......fine
Jordan: hahah i WIN!
Amandolin: hahaha i have already read most of your post all over again anyways
just now so there!!!!
Jordan: blphhhhhh (that was me sticking my tongue out at you)
Amandolin: nuuuhhhhuuuuhhnnn - that was me sticking mine out at YOU
Jordan: well i said it first and now you are just copy catting me.
Amandolin: fine this is me making a scrunchy face at you ;X
Jordan: And I will turn away with my arms crossed and refuse to look at you.
Amandolin: then i will walk away into the distance and when you turn around and miss me so much that you want to see my scrunchy face ill be gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jordan: Well....you just wish you could keep slandering me, but you know what Im gonna stand up for myself and pull your hair! really hard too!
Amandolin: how can you if i am gone in the distance!!!!!??????
Jordan: Because thats the whole point of leaving! To slander silently!
Amandolin: hahaha. that was lame
Jordan: almost down to the last post!
Amandolin: jordan!!! man, you better post a new one after this
Jordan: i will i will, ill post our entire IM conversation. hahahahahaha
Amandolin: nooo
Jordan: just the parts where we slander eachother
Amandolin: ok
And that was a minor fuss between the two of us.
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